I am re-inventing myself.

I have gone through so many changes, I feel, I am a "new" person.
I been on a kick lately to finally be who I am meant to be.

I guess i am going through a stage of styling my hair differently, Adding piercing, wearing a little makeup(but not all the time) being more girlie , Like i am finding myself increasingly buying nail polishes, And than reapplying this daily.

And I am really having fun, Finally breaking a mold, A shell , I feel I was in for far, far, to long.
I felt trapped within myself, Couldn't find a way out.
I felt I was never able to just. be. me.

I would get in situations where I was always controlled by others, How others wanted me to be,
I wanted to be liked, But I would end up well still not happy.
I'd find myself frustrated because I did not know how to say what I felt, (unless I was angry) And what I wanted.

A skill I was never taught, I had to learn to "parent" myself. Its been hard to do that.
But I feel more positive than ever.

I am going to start taking classes soon to better my life.
I want to learn to sew, Because Id love to make my own skirts out of cheap jeans, or old jeans.

I do not want to live by society's rules no more. I want to just do what makes ME happy.
I want to write a book, I want to learn to cook more healthy Fresh food!

I feel a hippie inside. I care about the world, I want to make it better in many, many ways.
I just want to be me.

I want to be more frugal (not because i can not afford stuff) but because I really, really, enjoy this, making my money stretch is SO much fun to me. Companies really rip people off and their are ways to have expensive things but screw the big companies to make their products last longer than they expect.

I want to help more people, I want to be an ear to people that have no one.
I want to be with someone that also shares the same visions or at least close to them.

Doing what I feel is right, I am finding is much better than walking around being something I am not to please everyone.

I am starting to feel SO free inside. And as time goes on I will have more and more freedom!
And I am soo excited I will!

I even decided to change my name. So when I meet new people, I will use my new name.
I want to start over, I want a change, And I want to forget what I been through, Deal with the pain, let it go. And start building a new life for myself, And the name change and appearance are the first steps!

Now i got to start opening up and letting people See the real me now. Can seem scary at times, But I been through so much in 4 years and survived it, This should be a easy.

Something is bothering me.

I been volunteering at the homeless shelter for over a month now, And I have just realized in the past two weeks their seems to be some favoritism in this place, And its from the staff members, Apart from 1 that I haven't seen do this (yet) . It seems that their is a clique going between the staff members and people that go their a lot, It seems that whenever shoes, clothing or even other such goods are donating to the place, it seems the same ones get the nice things, while others are pushed aside, So if your not close to the staff member, If they do not like you that much, you wont be favorited to get the good stuff that comes into the shelter.
I understand we can like people more than others,
But I believe everyone should be equal, and more so a homeless shelter where people are trying to survive and some find it more tough than others,

I just don't think it is fair that some people that goes their are more "privileged" than others,

While i have seen at least two people that could really use a helping hand, Can not forget some people do have pride, and do find it hard to ask for help when they really need it, I know i can be excused of this factor to. And if you throw in the fact these two other people are men, You would understand it more, Women can be more freely in asking (not me and i am a woman, but saying the majority here) for what they want than men, Because society conditions it that way and people just tend to accept that factor.

I have decided i will not donate things their for the whole shelter, But rather give individually to the people i "feel" are not getting the help they so need. I feel God will lead me to bless these people in ways others do not. And that is the best part to know God is helping me to reach the rejected, The ones that other people ignore for their favouritism's etc.

I have been doing meditation for over 2 weeks now. I have to say I really enjoy this, Not only does it give me inner peace but when i do not do it for a few days my body actually craves it!

Its almost like food is needed for the body, And than their is spiritual food for the soul, Now I understand it now. It has also helped me to grow up rather fast to! I been able to be more assertive, more mature in my decisions and an all around better person. I been able to let go of toxic situations and people more easily (which i was finding hard at points.)

I also realize life is more than what it appears to be to, I feel like i am walking between two worlds, I do not know how really go into detail about it.

I also find our choices shape our destiny to, And everything happens for a reason and its okay to make mistakes, its okay if we do not like some people (it doesn't make us perfect) I used to be a person that wanted to be "liked" I believe half the world people want to be "liked".

However it isn't important to me and anything i do or don't do is my business and if others have problems with it, Well that is just their problem. I feel to truly feel free, To truly live the life you want, You have to drop what others say. Otherwise you are letting others "control" your life by what they think rather than what you think.

I know that i am happy and content in what i must do with my life, But i also know that if my parents didn't agree or tried to mess it up because they don't approve, I would ditched them, IF they can not understand why I do what I do, and Why i do it, and have a problem with it, I wouldn't want to be around them. I don't feel i want any part of negative people around me and that includes family, Thou i would always have that unconditional love their for them, But this is my life and if i must walk alone, I will, and I know i am able to do so.

I know God will take care of me, He will bring people in my life to help me along the way, So i have no worries and no fear.

Any good deed i do, is to please the creator, to show love where love is needed.
Everyone else comes second to this.

In other news,

I feel I want a commitment, but as much as i do have my reservations about this, I am open to it, Its just I have been hurt way too much in my life, Put myself in situations where I ended up being controlled, felt stuck , wasn't strong enough to overcome that control, Now that 4 years have passed from a really rubbish and painful marriage. I feel more stronger, more freer, I found my purpose now and i am all around happy!

But i would love to be a mom now, Okay not right this minute!

But I want something so profound so strong, serious and someone on my team, Someone that has that fire inside them that wants to make a difference to this world, Wants to bring the world "back" to love etc.

Its not about "having" someone because i simply cant be on my own, i have been for 4 years now, I don't want to be with someone because of loneliness NO, but because two hearts are better than one with this mission i want to achieve, and plus its just another path to growing and learning, just like wanting to be a parent, i don't want to be a parent because its a "normal" thing but rather to bring children into this world to bring love to it, I have plans my kids will be involved in my mission the moment they can walk at 1 or 2 years old, they will help me bake things for the homeless, maybe visit nursing homes etc.


People always assume i am like everyone else, And that can get so frustrating and yet they are shocked to find out my way 0f thinking, but yet they do not want to bother to even get to know me first before they pass judgements, I maybe turning 28 next month but i am so not the typical woman and i just wish someone would just take time to just see that.

Who knew that volunteering at a homeless shelter would be rewarding.
Yesterday was my second time being their and it felt better than the first.
(I was kinda shy the first day)

But i was ready to go the next time i was able, and the fact I was so decisive on what i wanted to achieve this time around was the first! I went in put my stuff down and went to the kitchen.

Three people were already their cooking with big pots.

I asked how long they been coming here the man replied 8 years!
They worked for the local council, 2 women and 1 man.

I helped where i was able and heard that they ordered 8 big jumbo pizzas.
Chips where also being cooked in the oven but made their way to a big pan to be deep fried.
Bake beans were on the menu with some salad leaves.

When it came to serving i got to serve 2 pizzas each, their were 3 types of pizza, pepperoni and ham, veggie, and chicken.

It was fast paced but most of them seemed very grateful to be getting food! The thank you and pleases came out with some.

It was like to some this was pure gold. Happiness to have their tummy's fed.

It was fun and i enjoyed being their! A man in their said loudly " I like big women" As if he did not care what anyone in the place thought about that, and he was ever proud of what he felt strongly about! I remember seeing him before in the past, But i was wearing a scarf than and he probably forgot!

After it was all done, Two people came very late, and i remember a food plate was left over for someone to come, but they never showed up. so I was able to give 1 piece of pizza to a guy, thinking in case the other did show up they would still have one piece with loads of chips. but another man came and i gave him the last plate, i figured that other wasn't going to turn up. and i believe they did not either.

Than an Irish woman came in, I met her the first time i was their, She is nice and been coming to the centre for a while, We seem to "click" she seems to understand a lot of things that i do, That looking inside someone and not going by their appearance etc.

She is the second person in 3 years out of tons of people i met, that is actually being sincere in what she says and is being 100 percent herself and reflecting bits of who i am as a person!

It was nice yesterday and i pray that i can do more for this place in future, i have ideas about it so we shall see. But I definitely feel at home their, This is where God wants me for now and this is where i will stay till he moves me on, (if he ever does) but for now i am learning more about myself than i thought possible, and its bringing out my strengths and my compassion and my love for myself and all of creation! it makes me what to expand this love to other areas, to other places, to other people that need my help, my love, or my attention!

It will be 4 years this coming week that my whole world crashed, Where things were really hard to deal with, I was all on my own ragging a storm with just myself to get through it all.
And even though i did not get support (not even from my own mother!) I do not really know how I embraced it all, How i endured such pain, Pain that at one point wanted to end it all. But I felt "he" was not worth ending my life over.

And even though I am "still" in the same place where the hurt started. I am slowly getting closer to finally "getting" out of it completely, Sure it will take a few more months, But again Their was no where to turned to, no one to go to when things ended the way they did.

Thing is every year i get this way. Get sad, Because it was such a terrible time i went through and the fact i am "still" in the place it happened to me, Does not help.

I had to learn things i thought i would never learn.
I had to find ways to survive and sometimes it was not easy.

Even getting the most simplest things were hard to come by.
MY walk with God started from the hardship, I was finally getting right with God,

Its hard when you make decisions in life, Decisions you never thought through and than BOOM! You pay for them. I think at this time i am still angry at my mom, she caused a betrayal that i don't think i will ever get over.

Or maybe i will, but she seems to not want to take responsibility for HER own Actions. Making excuses is really her game with everything.

I guess its really a time for reflection of how i have pulled through things and how i still got more things to deal with, I am still struggling, struggling with myself, struggling to be more assertive, and dealing with two parents that are both swing from parent/child and have that disease of co-dependency issues.

And being able to have those healthy relationship's i crave. And have my parents see i am Older and not a child. I just feel its tuff work and sometimes i want to run, runaway from something that is SO hard to deal with. But i realize i been through things WAY much harder and i pulled through it all.

But also being able to take it all apart, and analyze it bit by bit. To see that what i have achieved that came before was harder,

But its just another chapter in my life, The fact i have found my calling now, The fact my brain seems to keep coming up with these ideas, but the fact i do not have anyone to bounce them off of, No one to give me that drive, I mean i have it, its just good to meet someone that understands my plan, my love for this world, the reason i am doing these things WITHOUT pay. And that God will take care of me (like he always has and still does) and that its not about money all the time, or having a big fat career, or a college degree. But that it is doing something so good so profound it hits a lot of people, And it changes life, And that my dear cost nothing.

To bring love to this world, more positivity, This is a job, a job that may not pay me at all, but its something i feel passionate about and no matter what, God is their and he will help me find ways to support myself(He always has)

Money is just something that helps to buy things you need, or do something for yourself (whatever that maybe) and help others.

But it is surely not something i am running after in my life.
Whats important is doing what God wants me to do.

And i find no one understands (at least for the moment) my love for this world, and making it a better place is worth more than anything in gold.

I just wish i would start giving myself more credit, and spoiling myself, instead of backing out of it (like i am doing)

Love

I find love can be a funny thing sometimes. Their is love for a favorite thing, a pet or something you just LOVE to do. Than their is love for a mother, father, brother, sister etc.
Than their is love for a partner.

Than the love that is important, Is the love you have for yourself. A deep part of yourself where your faults live, where past mistakes live, where heartbreaks and pain you have endured (and got through it and wondered how you did)

But I have realized in the last few days just how much loving yourself really is important.

For if you do not love yourself, how can you love someone else?

But it's much more than loving yourself, Its about looking in the mirror and saying "You know what? I have faults, I've done things i am not proud of and I make mistakes (sometimes several times a day) but I am a GREAT person! I have a good heart and every mistake i make is just helping me to learn where I need to improve"

Sometimes its easier to do that, But when i decided to go my own way, decided to go with my calling in life, only than did i realize how much i value myself, how much i really DO love myself.

For I have let go things that I tried for many months to let go.

Such as toxic people, toxic environments. People whom did not reflect me but rather upset me.
People that wouldn't make effort with me. I felt like it was a never ending cycle (a cycle I thought I wouldn't get off) I mean i am a strong person I just wasn't strong enough apparently.

But because my love for myself and my love for God, I was able to finally move forward.

Today and only today do i finally feel I really DO love myself!

Being assertive has finally given me the push i needed for a while now.

Feelings.

As I feel i am going back and forth with things in my life, A matter of confusion hits me.

I feel though that i have found my purpose in life but kinda feel a sense of blockage. Not that i am stopping myself but merely other people are.

I feel a road block, this control rearing its ugly head just at a time i am finally feeling strong enough, confidant enough to go further in my life to get passed what has gone before and how i couldn't do allot before as the hardship i was going through was tuff to get through.

I just feel this is something i gotta fight, no matter how hard it will be, sure i think i will fall a few times as this feels to me a challenge of some sorts.

I feel i will need to not only teach myself that "I AM important" but that other people in my life have to see it to, that its not all about them, and that I do have feelings and for me to be happy i need to do what i feel is right for MY life.

its hard. Confusing to. But. I . CAN. DO. IT. I Can not forget how far i have come, how much i have achieved so far and how i did it all on my own with no emotional help. And yet this next challenge for me, this hiccup, just seems SO much harder. but than again i been through the worst, surely this can not be much worst, can it?

Teaching someone to see MY feelings, Teaching them to be in MY shoes, see MY point of view and not just their own. TO teach these people around me something THEY themselves never learned.

Yeah challenging just seems like an understatement.


I think its going to take Courage, Determination and a whole lot of Love for myself, NOT to let anyone change me, I been their once and it was not nice, now that i am out of that bag and finally learning to be true to myself, that now things are beginning to come at me from all sides. Maybe its Gods way of testing me, or maybe just maybe its to see how much I've learned and how strong i really am.

Fitness DVD review Pilates

If their are any fitness fanatics out their, Than you will know what i mean when i refer to "Jelly Legs" I just bought the Core Fusion Pilate's.
I did this workout for the first time last night, And Even though I have been working out since around December 2009 somewhere, I thought I was actually strong enough to take this DVD considering I do high intensity workouts such as tae-bo, I thought this would be "not" that hard. Boy was I ever wrong! It actually kicked my butt, after i got to the 3rd 10 minute workout I couldn't finish the rest my legs just wouldn't work with me they actually "had" enough.

However I give this DVD **** out of 5 for the simply fact is that although the fitness instructor's are encouraging (good when they are like that) I just found that going into it the first time was extremely hard, and something I would have to have worked up a lot to get to the level of this DVD.

But apart from how challenging it can be, I noticed an impact on my figure only after one try (remember I was not able to finish the 3rd part of the DVD) And this DVD is great for posture to.


Is this DVD going in the Bin? NO way, This is just one part of my fitness regime I am keeping!