It will be 4 years this coming week that my whole world crashed, Where things were really hard to deal with, I was all on my own ragging a storm with just myself to get through it all.
And even though i did not get support (not even from my own mother!) I do not really know how I embraced it all, How i endured such pain, Pain that at one point wanted to end it all. But I felt "he" was not worth ending my life over.

And even though I am "still" in the same place where the hurt started. I am slowly getting closer to finally "getting" out of it completely, Sure it will take a few more months, But again Their was no where to turned to, no one to go to when things ended the way they did.

Thing is every year i get this way. Get sad, Because it was such a terrible time i went through and the fact i am "still" in the place it happened to me, Does not help.

I had to learn things i thought i would never learn.
I had to find ways to survive and sometimes it was not easy.

Even getting the most simplest things were hard to come by.
MY walk with God started from the hardship, I was finally getting right with God,

Its hard when you make decisions in life, Decisions you never thought through and than BOOM! You pay for them. I think at this time i am still angry at my mom, she caused a betrayal that i don't think i will ever get over.

Or maybe i will, but she seems to not want to take responsibility for HER own Actions. Making excuses is really her game with everything.

I guess its really a time for reflection of how i have pulled through things and how i still got more things to deal with, I am still struggling, struggling with myself, struggling to be more assertive, and dealing with two parents that are both swing from parent/child and have that disease of co-dependency issues.

And being able to have those healthy relationship's i crave. And have my parents see i am Older and not a child. I just feel its tuff work and sometimes i want to run, runaway from something that is SO hard to deal with. But i realize i been through things WAY much harder and i pulled through it all.

But also being able to take it all apart, and analyze it bit by bit. To see that what i have achieved that came before was harder,

But its just another chapter in my life, The fact i have found my calling now, The fact my brain seems to keep coming up with these ideas, but the fact i do not have anyone to bounce them off of, No one to give me that drive, I mean i have it, its just good to meet someone that understands my plan, my love for this world, the reason i am doing these things WITHOUT pay. And that God will take care of me (like he always has and still does) and that its not about money all the time, or having a big fat career, or a college degree. But that it is doing something so good so profound it hits a lot of people, And it changes life, And that my dear cost nothing.

To bring love to this world, more positivity, This is a job, a job that may not pay me at all, but its something i feel passionate about and no matter what, God is their and he will help me find ways to support myself(He always has)

Money is just something that helps to buy things you need, or do something for yourself (whatever that maybe) and help others.

But it is surely not something i am running after in my life.
Whats important is doing what God wants me to do.

And i find no one understands (at least for the moment) my love for this world, and making it a better place is worth more than anything in gold.

I just wish i would start giving myself more credit, and spoiling myself, instead of backing out of it (like i am doing)

Love

I find love can be a funny thing sometimes. Their is love for a favorite thing, a pet or something you just LOVE to do. Than their is love for a mother, father, brother, sister etc.
Than their is love for a partner.

Than the love that is important, Is the love you have for yourself. A deep part of yourself where your faults live, where past mistakes live, where heartbreaks and pain you have endured (and got through it and wondered how you did)

But I have realized in the last few days just how much loving yourself really is important.

For if you do not love yourself, how can you love someone else?

But it's much more than loving yourself, Its about looking in the mirror and saying "You know what? I have faults, I've done things i am not proud of and I make mistakes (sometimes several times a day) but I am a GREAT person! I have a good heart and every mistake i make is just helping me to learn where I need to improve"

Sometimes its easier to do that, But when i decided to go my own way, decided to go with my calling in life, only than did i realize how much i value myself, how much i really DO love myself.

For I have let go things that I tried for many months to let go.

Such as toxic people, toxic environments. People whom did not reflect me but rather upset me.
People that wouldn't make effort with me. I felt like it was a never ending cycle (a cycle I thought I wouldn't get off) I mean i am a strong person I just wasn't strong enough apparently.

But because my love for myself and my love for God, I was able to finally move forward.

Today and only today do i finally feel I really DO love myself!

Being assertive has finally given me the push i needed for a while now.

Feelings.

As I feel i am going back and forth with things in my life, A matter of confusion hits me.

I feel though that i have found my purpose in life but kinda feel a sense of blockage. Not that i am stopping myself but merely other people are.

I feel a road block, this control rearing its ugly head just at a time i am finally feeling strong enough, confidant enough to go further in my life to get passed what has gone before and how i couldn't do allot before as the hardship i was going through was tuff to get through.

I just feel this is something i gotta fight, no matter how hard it will be, sure i think i will fall a few times as this feels to me a challenge of some sorts.

I feel i will need to not only teach myself that "I AM important" but that other people in my life have to see it to, that its not all about them, and that I do have feelings and for me to be happy i need to do what i feel is right for MY life.

its hard. Confusing to. But. I . CAN. DO. IT. I Can not forget how far i have come, how much i have achieved so far and how i did it all on my own with no emotional help. And yet this next challenge for me, this hiccup, just seems SO much harder. but than again i been through the worst, surely this can not be much worst, can it?

Teaching someone to see MY feelings, Teaching them to be in MY shoes, see MY point of view and not just their own. TO teach these people around me something THEY themselves never learned.

Yeah challenging just seems like an understatement.


I think its going to take Courage, Determination and a whole lot of Love for myself, NOT to let anyone change me, I been their once and it was not nice, now that i am out of that bag and finally learning to be true to myself, that now things are beginning to come at me from all sides. Maybe its Gods way of testing me, or maybe just maybe its to see how much I've learned and how strong i really am.

Fitness DVD review Pilates

If their are any fitness fanatics out their, Than you will know what i mean when i refer to "Jelly Legs" I just bought the Core Fusion Pilate's.
I did this workout for the first time last night, And Even though I have been working out since around December 2009 somewhere, I thought I was actually strong enough to take this DVD considering I do high intensity workouts such as tae-bo, I thought this would be "not" that hard. Boy was I ever wrong! It actually kicked my butt, after i got to the 3rd 10 minute workout I couldn't finish the rest my legs just wouldn't work with me they actually "had" enough.

However I give this DVD **** out of 5 for the simply fact is that although the fitness instructor's are encouraging (good when they are like that) I just found that going into it the first time was extremely hard, and something I would have to have worked up a lot to get to the level of this DVD.

But apart from how challenging it can be, I noticed an impact on my figure only after one try (remember I was not able to finish the 3rd part of the DVD) And this DVD is great for posture to.


Is this DVD going in the Bin? NO way, This is just one part of my fitness regime I am keeping!