Ur Best Self

It will be 4 years this coming week that my whole world crashed, Where things were really hard to deal with, I was all on my own ragging a storm with just myself to get through it all.
And even though i did not get support (not even from my own mother!) I do not really know how I embraced it all, How i endured such pain, Pain that at one point wanted to end it all. But I felt "he" was not worth ending my life over.

And even though I am "still" in the same place where the hurt started. I am slowly getting closer to finally "getting" out of it completely, Sure it will take a few more months, But again Their was no where to turned to, no one to go to when things ended the way they did.

Thing is every year i get this way. Get sad, Because it was such a terrible time i went through and the fact i am "still" in the place it happened to me, Does not help.

I had to learn things i thought i would never learn.
I had to find ways to survive and sometimes it was not easy.

Even getting the most simplest things were hard to come by.
MY walk with God started from the hardship, I was finally getting right with God,

Its hard when you make decisions in life, Decisions you never thought through and than BOOM! You pay for them. I think at this time i am still angry at my mom, she caused a betrayal that i don't think i will ever get over.

Or maybe i will, but she seems to not want to take responsibility for HER own Actions. Making excuses is really her game with everything.

I guess its really a time for reflection of how i have pulled through things and how i still got more things to deal with, I am still struggling, struggling with myself, struggling to be more assertive, and dealing with two parents that are both swing from parent/child and have that disease of co-dependency issues.

And being able to have those healthy relationship's i crave. And have my parents see i am Older and not a child. I just feel its tuff work and sometimes i want to run, runaway from something that is SO hard to deal with. But i realize i been through things WAY much harder and i pulled through it all.

But also being able to take it all apart, and analyze it bit by bit. To see that what i have achieved that came before was harder,

But its just another chapter in my life, The fact i have found my calling now, The fact my brain seems to keep coming up with these ideas, but the fact i do not have anyone to bounce them off of, No one to give me that drive, I mean i have it, its just good to meet someone that understands my plan, my love for this world, the reason i am doing these things WITHOUT pay. And that God will take care of me (like he always has and still does) and that its not about money all the time, or having a big fat career, or a college degree. But that it is doing something so good so profound it hits a lot of people, And it changes life, And that my dear cost nothing.

To bring love to this world, more positivity, This is a job, a job that may not pay me at all, but its something i feel passionate about and no matter what, God is their and he will help me find ways to support myself(He always has)

Money is just something that helps to buy things you need, or do something for yourself (whatever that maybe) and help others.

But it is surely not something i am running after in my life.
Whats important is doing what God wants me to do.

And i find no one understands (at least for the moment) my love for this world, and making it a better place is worth more than anything in gold.

I just wish i would start giving myself more credit, and spoiling myself, instead of backing out of it (like i am doing)